Flashback: Chinese Parenting 101

I find I still have mixed feelings with regard to the way I was raised. On one side is the traditional Chinese approach to child rearing and on the other is the classic western ideal of self-determination. On the one hand I don't want to criticize my father for what he's done because, quite frankly, things turned out fairly well for me and I can understand his rationale. On the other hand I do feel some bitterness toward him because of a sense of a lost childhood, missed opportunities, and fundamentally flawed assumptions and priorities. It's not my intention to harshly criticize my father because until the day that I have kids of my own I can't say I've earned the right. Also, it's unrealistic to expect a perfect parent. Nonetheless, it is very clear that I won't raise my kids the way I was raised.

My dad once explained to me the Chinese approach to child rearing: like a gardener correcting a plant that won't grow straight the Chinese parent is obligated to correct any perceived faults in a young child. (All the docs out there may recognize this picture from a classic orthopedic textbook). The equivalent modern term would be "hyper-parenting" although I wouldn't say that my dad went to that extreme. However, I've always grown up with the sense that any decision, no matter how small, required the assessment and approval of my father. Indeed, he would often give me his opinion and what he felt I should do never minding the fact that he might not have the knowledge or experience to do so.

For example, I've often been envious of my classmates who were able to play musical instruments and took music lessons. I've always assumed I wasn't offered the opportunity because money was tight when I was younger but I was quite shocked when my father told me the real reason: "I just knew that you wouldn't like music". No only did "Dad know best" but "Dad knows without even bothering to ask you"!

In a similar vein, obedience was also emphasized and enforced (sometimes with corporal punishment). The concept of respect and obedience towards authority figures is Confucian in origin and underpins the social and familial dynamics of the Chinese -- your elders are to be revered and obeyed and to do otherwise is a major social faux pas. There's nothing quite like watching a traditional Chinese parent get really worked up over a minor issue involving a disobedient child.

Thirdly, among the Chinese it is considered a parental duty to ensure that their children get good jobs. Whoever said "everybody wants a doctor in the family" must have been Chinese. If I was unemployed and on welfare not only would my father have to worry about his retirement years but he would lose face in society and be criticized for raising such a useless son. In addition, my father has often been critical of my friends who would switch fields or careers; he still believes in the notion that when you finish school you should stay in the same field or job for the rest of your life. To switch tracks is to waste precious time in his eyes and so it is of vital importance that you figure out what you want to do early in life. And yes, if you're young and don't have a clue what it is you want then your parents are more than happy to choose for you...

My father grew up during the Cultural Revolution and experienced the famine of the Great Leap Forward so I can see where he's coming from; during those times if you didn't have a job and you weren't bringing home the bread then you and your family starved. Whether or not you liked your job or had a fulfilling career became a moot point. If my siblings and I ever responded to one of his career "suggestions" with "I don't think I'll like it" then he would respond with the frustration-invoking phrase: "You'll learn to like it".

While I do not have any a priori objections to all this, the main problem that I see is that all children grow up and at some point in time you need to start treating them like adults so that they can actually become adults. My father told me that only in China can you have an 80 year old man talking to his 60 year old son like a 6 year old child: "Did you brush your teeth this morning? Make sure you chew your food properly. Eat lots of vegetables! I know you don't like vegetables. Be careful when crossing the street!". Indeed, you will forever be their child. I read somewhere that "children will only achieve their full potential after their parents have died". Although disturbing I think there's more than an ounce of truth in that saying.

The transition to adulthood was somewhat blurry in my life and it wasn't until I was in university that it finally dawned on me that I shouldn't let my father micromanage my life. My father was very fortunate in that I was very non-rebellious during my teenage years and he had an easy ride. The turning point happened in 2nd year university when he told me he didn't think karate was a good workout and he wanted me to drop it. I not only realized that my father can be wrong but that he shouldn't be dictating my extracurricular activities and it was high time I started making decisions for myself. (The fact that I lived an hour down the highway and did not have to suffer his disapproval also helped).

Unfortunately, this perhaps was too little too late. I remember when I was around 8 years old I was walking out of the local convenience store. There was a middle-aged guy wearing jeans and a jean jacket who started talking to me. He asked me to follow him....and I did. (So much for not talking to strangers...). He led me to a bar across the street, went inside, and he ordered a drink. I sat down at the bar and after a minute I finally realized I should not be doing this and I ran out the door. Even now in my 30's I find myself very uncomfortable with challenging or defying authority -- if a senior doctor told me to do something I would be less likely to think critically about it.

And so to this day I can't shake the feeling that I've lost something important in childhood. The critics of hyper-parenting are bemoaning the loss of spontaneity, creativity, and self-discovery that comes with growing up. Also, hovering parents are preventing children from making mistakes and learning from their mistakes. (We fall so that we can learn how to get up -- Batman Begins). The critical flaw of this style of parenting is this -- what if you're wrong? Are you prepared for the consequences of your child growing up and realizing that everything you told them to do was a big mistake?

If you were to ask my father "why medicine?" he would answer in the following way:

The human body is constant. Unlike computer science where there's always something new every year the body never changes and so your knowledge never gets dated. Also, unlike in computer science, in medicine the older you get, the more experience you get, the more prestige you accrue, and the more valued you are. As a doctor you will be amongst the community's most valued and respected people. I heard of a doctor who in his 80's tried to retire but his community needed him so much that they prevented him from doing it!

I think all the doctors out there would agree that things aren't as rosy for doctors anymore and that this is merely a romantic vision of a profession which may be becoming less and less common. The long years in training, sleepless nights, angry patients, and stressful situations can and have made many doctors quite miserable.

And so, what are the consequences of my father's actions? I'm currently going through a period of turmoil over my career and my choices. And while I'm not miserable, I'm not sure I'm happy either and so there's a real risk that I may come to resent my father's influence on my life. (He denies having ever pressured me into Medicine which irks me to no end). In my eyes, he has lost a lot of credibility as a mentor and adviser which is why I haven't spoken to him about this in great detail and I've grown increasingly resistant to all forms of advice he may have (e.g. marriage). Although he means well, I no longer feel he has my best interests at heart largely because I don't think he knows me as well as he thinks.

While I'm sure such emotions and angst can happen to anybody who's switching careers, it's usually not directed at a specific person. I think this is the price that parents will pay if they try to exert too much influence on their children. So, I for one won't pressure my kids into any particular career. (Except I might discourage them from entering Medicine -- but only a little!).

Before I finish this entry I want to emphasize that I don't want this to be seen as a repudiation of my father. As I said earlier, I could be doing much worse. Also, as my boss points out, I won't truly understand until I have kids of my own. But for now, I just need some space without my dad trying too hard to get involved.

Next entry: Fork in the Road 2 and Anesthesia School